all creatures (not so) great and small

In every living situation, there comes a time when you need to have a little sit-down with your housemates to discuss what is and what most definitely is NOT okay. I believe that time is now.

Note: The snails have already been evicted. Too much pooping in the shower.

To the spiders.
Listen. I thought we had an understanding. I let you make yourselves at home, and you eat the mosquitoes that could give me malaria. We had an agreement. But you are getting FAR too territorial. No, you cannot use my clotheslines as part of your webs. They are not sticky. It will not work. The same goes for my water filter. And my silverware. That's just gross. And I don't know WHOSE idea it was to hide the huge woody spiders in my clothes, but cut it out. You are not cute. Jumping out and surprising me like that . . . And sleeping on my mosquito net? Right above my face? There's a reason you died in your sleep last night. It's called karma. PS I've been bitten a lot lately. Either step it up or get out.

To the termites.
Um, sorry about the poison. But listen, you were etting out of control. I mean, it was one thing trying to eat the mattress?. BAD termites. But then when you ate an entire card from my grandmother (my GRANDMOTHER, for goodness sake)? In one night? You sealed your fate. Not to mention nibbling on my favorite shoes. I had to get you before you got Choi's good Alice in Wonderland postcard. So I apologize, but you left me no other choice. If it's any consolation, there's a decent chance I ate some of that poison too. So there's that.

To the flies.
Okay. Not to be a party pooper or anything. We're all entitled to have a little fun. But seriously. This having sex on my desk thing? It has to go. I do not wish to watch flies mounting flies while I write lesson plans. And I'd appreciate it if your foreplay did not include tumbling over each other ON ME. Is my sweat that arousing for you? And I understand that the food here isn't necessarily stellar--I miss Mexican too, trust me. But get out of my wounds. Puss is not good. You are disgusting. And I don't know you well enough to let you nibble on me like that? Oh, and dive bombing down my shirt? No no no no no. Stop that right now. We're not even the same species. It would never work out. Point is, go forth and multiply, okay fine whatever. But do it somewhere else. Or just go . . . chill with the termites.

To the cockroaches.
I've given you a lot of space--a lot of generosity. I did not grow up seeing you, so you did not bother me. You were a novelty. You kept me company in the shower. But if you're going to move in like that, you need to clean up after yourselves. Showering in your droppings is not my idea of cleanliness. And to the 3 of you who decided to make my hiking shoe your home? What were you thinking?? Stupid stupid stupid? To the one who tried to get into my toothbrush case, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I will find you and I will kill you and I will feed you to the chicken. I think I've made myself clear.

To the frogs and lizards.
You can stay. You are cute. And so fast!

To the snake in my kabone.
You can stay too. Though why you'd WANT to is beyond me.

I do not acknowledge the existence of any other creatures in my house. If I have not mentioned you, you are trespassing. Watch out, or I will send the woody spiders after you.